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2013 Year of the Yuppie: A Step By Step Guide to Climbing the Corporate Ladder, Sort Of

You’re suddenly confronted with the fact that you have to get your own place, you’re sinking in debt and the only way you’re going to survive is to take a job with a faceless corporation.

Welcome to 2013.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t end there. On top of having to ask for a job from a company you probably don’t understand, you’ll have to look as though you want to be there for more than the paycheck.

Next stop: yuppie.

What is a Yuppie?

Young Urban Professional. A more cynical approach would note that the yuppie is a vain consumer who values the price more than its use value. This is not an obsession with money but an obsession with image. It explains why gym membership is a must, and why expensive dinners come standard. A yuppie must be seen as a paragon of youth and dynamism, stopping at nothing to climb the corporate and social ladders.

Think perception, not the experience.

Conversion

You’ll project success and ambition. Remember, success is only worthwhile if it carries  prestige among other yuppies. Get into the habit of asking yourself, “What will others think?” This includes your physical appearance, as well as your virtual image.

Your physical appearance can be modified with nothing more than a trip to the mall. If you have the money, follow whatever trends you find in Cosmo or GQ. If you don’t have the money, get a credit card, and follow step one. If your Facebook page shows off your wit and personality, replace it with something more pedestrian. If you’ve tweeted about your love for either Ron Paul or Naomi Klein, delete them—politics, sex and religion are the last three things one mentions in polite conversation. Start tweeting banalities about your work ethic or your love of the game, though you should make sure to never mention what this nebulous game actually is. Need some inspiration? Start following Ryan Lochte.

After scrubbing your social media pages clean of any idiosyncrasy that could make you look human, you’ll have to get in the habit of writing cover letters that convey you’re eager to work for less than what you paid in tuition for one year of school. Remember, industry is inconsequential. What matters is that you’re moving up.

The Interview

You’ll eventually find yourself in the midst of a corporate stooge to whom you’ll have to ingratiate yourself. Use corporate jargon to make yourself appear the ideal worker. The ideal candidate will be an independent team player—someone who can follow directions while multitasking—with analytic skills that comply with the company’s ability to synergize finances with a branding strategy that is both edgy and safe.

Dizzy yet? Be thankful they offer a competitive salary because they don’t mention any benefits.

Employers may require some personal information. Make yourself stand out, especially if you can integrate some buzzwords. Emphasize your youth, diligence and prudence. Mention that you’re getting in on “the ground floor” of a new neighborhood that has yet to be gentrified. You may also want to discuss how you’re something of a “thought leader” because you drive Kia’s Optima, a solid sedan that a traditional yuppie might look askance at because it costs under $25,000. One of your hobbies can be an extreme sport that no one has ever heard of—say, bossaball. Use words like “trending” and “crowdsourcing” whenever possible.

Remember, this is the job that you were dreaming about when you decided to major in philosophy or history of gender studies. Eventually you’ll forget the majority of it anyway, as well as the fact that you were only pretending to take the job seriously.

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